PP Promotions - Live Free

As normally happens after I've drank a few pints an idea came to me over the 4th of July weekend while sojourning at our cabin. Since cigarettes are now up to $85 per carton in the US since the 300 percent tax increase, we have been rolling our own. Granted, tobacco by the pound went up 3000 percent due to the tax increase, but it's still cheaper to roll your own. My brilliant albeit non-PC idea is to roll cigarettes and sell them for $4.00 per pack on the Internet. I wouldn't have to pay sales tax on any sales outside Arizona and Phoenix. I knew there had to be some redeeming value in being a tax collector.

My profiteering sticks will come in a tin resembling a bandage tin, oh hell, why not just use recycled bandage tins. Then I can call my business Eco-friendly. The cover will don skull and cross bones with the title: TUMORS. The front covers will say "Guaranteed to kill you." "Enjoy!" I will sell two brands regular and mild. Each regular cigarette rolling paper will have the words: "Live free and die hard." The filtered menthol "mild" cigarette (can't use the word "light" anymore by law) will have the words: "Live free and die smooth."

When you open the bandage-tin-lid these words will sing forth:

"Smoke, smoke, smoke those cigarettes. Smoke, smoke, smoke yourself to death." I'm pretty sure the 25-year copyright is expired for that tune, and I don't think Michael Jackson owned the rights to that one.

Now, all I need is a product promoter. Who can I get now that Billy Mays is no longer available? Who besides Billy has the dubious distinction of having the most annoying voice echoing 4 AM snoring. Fran Drescher!

Are you with me? Can you picture this? I'll buy me an electric cigarette roller for $400, recycle old bandage tins, and design my own skull and crossbones sticker to go on each tin. I can even put my two unemployed sloths to work and stimulate the economy. I could even help charities. I'll get everyone to save bandage tins and pay them one penny per tin and donate the money to medical research to help find a cure for cancer. I might just be the next Nobel prize winner. If Gore can win for a slide show, I think I at least have a shot. I can see it now. Philanthropist Pouty for president. PP for Prez.


Here are YouTube videos of Fran Drescher and Billy Mays so that you can hear it for yourself and make your own judgment as to whether she is the perfect person to walk in Billy's shoes.






Dear sweet and innocent teenage PBN blog followers: This is satire, fiction, and meant to be a slam at my government for trying to strip away our personal freedoms. If any of you tells yer mum that you started smoking or drinking because Pouty says it's cool - well, I don't even smoke. This is my feeble attempt at totally nonsensical humor.