Speaking of Pissing in the Wind

Pissing into the Wind by Gavski on deviantART

John Kerry was in the news in December when it was rumored he wanted to go as a ‘freelancer’ to Iran to have a discussion with Iran’s Ach-I-threw-up-my-dinner-bob. He, who couldn’t even beat George Bush, who is pretty much known as the stupid President, in a debate. Problem was that ‘Ach’ figured out that we are weak and that there is no point in talking to any emissary from the U.S. and refused to issue him a visa. Or, perhaps ‘Ach’ would rather kiss the barrel of a gun than to sit down and talk to John Kerry for 5 minutes. I am certain that had Kerry gone, they would be shaking in their togas. I know, but they look like togas to me. Run, Ach-Bob, run! Run for the hills while you still can. Run so quickly that your toga gets caught in your butt crack, you trip, and then you die.

Speaking of butt cracks, I heard about a not-too-bright man who visited Mt. Lemmon in Tucson, Arizona. Public Works had to construct a steel fence to keep people from falling off the side of the mountain. It was storming like crazy but this guy had to take a leak, so he took his wiener out of his boxers and stuck it through one of the fence holes. The urban legend says that lightening struck the fence, electricity traveled through his urine stream, and ignited his schnitzel. Yowza! I bet that left a mark.

Speaking of weenie roasts, did you hear that the lawyer for the panty bomber is asking that he not be tried until after all of his skin grafting is complete at the best burn center in Michigan? Our tax dollars at work! Apparently he blew up his own package when he tried to blow up zee plane. I say patch him up and wheel him into the court room or send him back to Nigeria in pieces. Either one is fine by me.

Speaking of pieces, I really honestly do not see what all the Tiger Woods broo-ha-ha is about. Married senators , for example Max Baukus, can use tax dollars to give their mistresses raises and take them on junkets and that is perfectly hunky-dory. When a married Black athlete pays for sex with his own coin, it is beyond the pail. I hope Tiger learned his lesson and runs for governor of Florida. Then his extramarital sex will be sanctioned by the public and paid for with someone else’s money. Look what I’ve done…I’ve come up with a New Year’s resolution for Tiger Woods.

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, I’ve decided this year that whatever I decide to change about myself shall remain unspoken. I have finally learned after all these years that family, coworkers, and one bedfellow are all waiting for me to fail so they can say: “I thought you gave up (insert vice here) for your New Year’s resolution? I will, however, graciously offer you a hint, “Oink-oink.”

I’m recouping from a bump on my noggin, so I apologize in advance if this post sounds slightly out of date and disjointed. I started it last week, bumped my head, and now I’m recouping from a bump on my noggin.